


To Love

by NightOfTheLand



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sad, mentions of hanging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:05:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7514563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightOfTheLand/pseuds/NightOfTheLand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I love you, Alexander Hamilton, and I am not afraid of that,” he said, words more confident than he felt, knowing that it was what Hamilton needed to hear even if Laurens did not believe them himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Love

Hamilton came flying into the tent like a man possessed; all billowing hair and flashing eyes. His normally immaculate appearance was harried and, well, quite frankly a mess. It was all Laurens could do to push aside his letter and set down his pen before he was graced with a lap full of Hamilton. 

“What’s happened now?” Laurens asked, slightly breathless from the added weight in his lap. 

Hamilton merely made a disgruntled noise before wrapping himself around Laurens like an octopus. He was quick to bury his face in the side of Laurens’ neck, whole body trembling slightly under Laurens’ palms where he was gently stroking them up Hamilton’s spine. It was a long tense moment as they sat in near silence before it was broken by the unmistakable sound of a small sob coming from the man in his arms. 

“Hamilton?” Laurens asked again, hands stilling in their soothing movement. There was no response so Laurens tried again. “Alexander?” 

The other man stirred in his arms at the sound of his Christian name, and Laurens was met with slightly red rimmed eyes and a flushed face. Hamilton blinked owlishly at him before shuddering again and burying his face back in Laurens’ neck stock. 

“My dear boy, what on earth is the matter?” Laurens muttered, turning his face to nose at the unbound, soft hair, hands continuing their soothing motions up and down Hamilton’s back. 

Another small shudder was all the answer he got. With a small sigh Laurens resigned himself to merely waiting it out; Hamilton wasn’t a man to speak about his personal thoughts unless the mood struck him - every and anything else yes, but not his personal life. So Laurens had to content himself to wait, with a lapful of Hamilton and a face and mouth full of hair. 

They stayed like that for several long minutes, Laurens gently stroking Hamilton, the other man mostly still in his arms. A thousand thoughts stirred and danced in Laurens’ head as to what could be the cause of his dear friend’s distress. He was not overly fond of any of them. Hamilton had been fine this morning, chirping away about this and that, he had been fine while they worked, and when Laurens had retired to their shared tent, had even offered him a small wink as he left. Laurens was at a complete loss as to what could have set the usually unflappable man off. 

His thoughts were broken when Hamilton stirred in his arms. Eyes met and Hamilton offered him a slightly strained and apologetic smile, before he looked away, shifting as if he meant to leave Laurens’ hold. Laurens wasn’t about to let him go where he could potentially flee before answering his questions. The slighter man gave a tiny huff as Laurens tightened his grip around his waist. 

“Now, want to tell me what is the matter?” Laurens tried for levity, but it came out strained. 

Hamilton looked at him for a long moment before leaning in and pressing a desperate kiss to his lips. Want sparked in his veins and he could feel the normally dormant desire bloom to life in his belly. Clever fingers tangled in his hair as an even cleverer tongue shoved its way into his mouth. Hamilton shifted so he was straddling Laurens, a knee on either side, precariously perched on the chair which groaned slightly under their combined weight. 

He would have been content to carry on if not for the pressing question at hand. “Wait, Alexander, wait, tell me what’s wrong,” Laurens wished his voice wasn’t so breathless, his normally commanding tone made weak by the want and desire clear in his voice. 

“I love you,” Hamilton breathed before pressing his lips back to Laurens. 

That was not an answer no matter how much Laurens loved to hear him say it. Two firm hands stopped the kiss and Hamilton was pouting at him. “Alexander, you are upset, please tell me what’s wrong,” he was not ashamed by the note of pleading in his voice. 

It took Hamilton a long moment to sigh and lean back so he could look Laurens in the eye. He looked conflicted before he reached out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind Laurens’ ear. “I love you,” he repeated swallowing hard, brow wrinkling in thought, “I love you and yet people say I should not. We are told our kind of love is a sin and yet how can something so pure and wonderful be a sin?” 

All the air left Laurens’ body at his lover’s words. How indeed? The small voice in the back of his head, that sounded suspiciously like his father, was mocking him. Suddenly every doubt and fear and insecurity he had ever had about falling in love with Hamilton was being spoken by the man himself. He took a deep breath and looked at the man in his arms. 

“I love you, Alexander Hamilton, and I am not afraid of that,” he said, words more confident than he felt, knowing that it was what Hamilton needed to hear even if Laurens did not believe them himself. Yes, he loved Alexander, but he was beyond scared of the consequences of that love. 

Cunning eyes searched his face before chapped lips pressed to his again, this time softer, gentler, pouring all the words Hamilton didn’t say into the kiss. Laurens returned it in kind, hoping the other man would understand the terrifying depth of his love without Laurens struggling to put it in words. 

The kiss slowly turned from lazy to heated once more. Hamilton grinding down onto Laurens’ growing erection. All the lust and desire and love in his veins was darkened by his doubt and fear. In some deep recess of his mind he was disgusted with himself and the way he was acting, but he forced that small damning seed of doubt away and instead focused on the beautiful man in his arms. 

He wanted to touch him, wanted to see him come undone, wanted to taste this amazing man on his tongue. The bed wasn’t far and Laurens was careful as he hoisted the other man up, muscles straining, and he carried him to the small camp bed. Hamilton huffed out a laugh that was bitten off into a strangled moan as Laurens undid the front of his breeches and pulled his hardening cock free. 

At the first swipe of tongue, and the sight of Laurens kneeling before him, it seemed Hamilton was lost. He tossed his head back against the pillows, booted feet wrapping around Laurens as he knelt before him. The taste of Hamilton was everything Laurens had been missing the past few days. Salty and bitter all at once with a faint musk that was just Hamilton, it was enough to make him moan around the warm heavy cock in his mouth. Hamilton bucked up into him but he held him with a firm hand. He ran his tongue across the slit, lapping at the beaded precome he found there. The hand not holding Hamilton from choking him came up to fondle his balls, rolling the heavy sacs between sure fingers, weighting them in the palm of his hand. All the while maintaining the suction on Hamilton’s cock, tonguing down the large vein at the underside. 

When Lauren looked up, Hamilton had his head tossed back, fists clenched in the blankets. He was beautiful even sprawled the way he was across the bed. His face was creased in pleasure and Laurens was glad all look of worry from before was gone. Even if his own insecurities haunted him constantly, he did not want his love to share the same. 

He was more than happy to redouble his efforts, throat working around Hamilton’s cock. His hand left his balls and traveled down, dipping between ass cheeks, gently caressing the furled muscle he found hidden there. Hamilton shuddered against him in pleasure, hips bucking up, as Laurens teased at the now fluttering hole. There was a barely choked out warning before Hamilton came with a silent scream, salty against Laurens’ tongue, the tip of Laurens’ finger barely pressed inside him. Laurens hummed around him as he swallowed everything Hamilton had to give. 

Spent and boneless, Hamilton made weak grabby hands at him. They carelessly righted themselves on the bed, Hamilton’s fingers finding Laurens’ cock. With a jolt he realized just how hard he was. It only took a few strokes of Hamilton’s clever fingers before he was spilling into Hamilton’s hand, mouths muffling the low sigh of pleasure as their tongues danced together, Hamilton chasing the taste of himself in Laurens’ mouth. 

They lay sated and content in each other’s arms, letting their breathing return to normal. As loathe as he was to ask, laurens knew he wouldn't stop worrying about it until he knew what had prompted Hamilton’s words from earlier. “Alex,” he started and then stopped, unsure how to ask. 

Hamilton tensed against him, seeming to know what Laurens was going to ask. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, sitting on the edge, hastily tucking himself back into his breeches. “Jenkins and Marlowe will be drummed out and hanged for sodomy tomorrow. I saw them being arrested as I was heading back,” his words were low and something like fear at at the edge of them. 

Laurens sat up as well, reaching for Hamilton, but the other man pulled away. Hamilton pulled away from Laurens’ touch and moved to stand in the middle of the tent, his back to Laurens. It felt like an eternity before Hamilton whispered, “I love you,” and then fled the tent in much the same manner in which he had entered. 

Alone Laurens couldn’t even begin to parse what the other man meant by the trusted him not to do anything stupid. Trying not to worry and noticing the all but faded light, Laurens busied himself with finishing his letter and readying for bed. When Hamilton returned many hours later, Laurens was still lying awake in bed. He listened as the other man changed into his night clothes and waited for him to climb into bed with him as he had been doing for the past several weeks. If Laurens’ heart broke a little when Hamilton instead took to his own bed instead of joining Laurens, he would never admit it. Instead he squeezed his eyes shut, pulled his thread bare blanket tighter around him, and tried not to think about just how much his heart was shattering. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sinning with me. Sorry this is so sad, I needed to write this, it was bugging me. As always let me know if there are any mistakes or errors. 
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://nightoftheland.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Check out my canon era [Hamilton series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/381985)
> 
> And my modern era [series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/438031)
> 
> And my OTP NSFW series [OTP](http://archiveofourown.org/series/450673)
> 
> Thanks again for reading!
> 
> If there are negative comments about how these characters are depicted, keep them to yourself please. I have done my best to take into consideration the... advice I have been given, so if I have failed in your eyes, I do not want to hear about it. Have a lovely day, and thanks again.


End file.
